How does the motherhood penalty affect you in the Army?

Being a parent in the military is hard, but being a mother in the military is even more difficult from my own experience and similar experiences of other Army Mamas. There are many more challenges that mothers face when it comes to career progression, opinions from society, and balancing life. Let me throw a disclaimer out there: This is not a woe is me article. This is to raise awareness of inequities (some that can’t quite be avoided), but mostly to share relatable experiences so that other Army Mamas know they are not alone.

 

“You’ll never get this time back!”

 

If you’re a mom in the military, then you know this statement all too well. One of the most insane double standards with this statement is that it is almost always geared towards mothers in the workforce; even though working dads technically don’t get this time back either. Apparently, time progression is different for mothers vs fathers?

While I do agree that we will never get this time back–whether it’s deployments, field training exercises, or long working hours–time will always move forward regardless of how you’re spending it. The crushing guilt from this idea we experience as moms can be countered by being intentional with our time spent with family. This is not to say mom guilt can be completely eliminated (let’s be real here), but at least we know that we’re cherishing the time we have with our family.

This phrase is equivalent to the whole, “I could never let another person raise my child!”. As previously mentioned, fathers don’t often receive comments like this from outside opinions. Thus, another aspect of the motherhood penalty.

Also, anyone who has spent any amount of time around children knows just how much influence their household has on their personalities, behaviors, and everything in between. So, I truly think that people are uninformed when they believe that a daycare center has more influence on raising children than their actual parents/families.

 

Stigma on announcing your pregnancy

 

Women have a lot more reservation when announcing their pregnancies in the workplace, especially in a military setting. This reservation stems from not wanting to be the target of unwanted attention (good or bad). I frequently hear Army Mamas express their concern when they find out that they are pregnant because they don’t know how to tell their chain of command. Men, on the other hand, don’t experience this feeling or the unwanted negative attention when it comes to announcing the expansion of their families.

It sucks that pregnant Soldiers are worried more about being an inconvenience to the mission than allowing themselves to fully embrace the journey of motherhood. Or even worse: women are accused of getting pregnant to shirk their duties.

This is one of many reasons pregnant Soldiers hide their pregnancies as long as they can and they operate outside the restrictions afforded to them. For example, attending the range or handling weapons because they want to continue to be a team player even though their pregnancy profile discourages this behavior.

 

Career Progression as a pregnant or postpartum Soldier

 

My own career progression was stifled when we started our family. Both of my pregnancies were back-to-back and this prevented me from attending PME and consequently prevented me from getting promoted early on.

Fortunately, there are now policies in place (spearheaded by other Army Mamas) that provide exceptions for pregnant and postpartum Soldiers, but it still doesn’t eliminate the pressure of getting back into shape to attend these schools as an enlisted Soldier. Commissioned Officers don’t have the same physical requirements when it comes to testable events in their PME, which is nice for them. However, the enlisted force makes up the majority of the Army and that is a large demographic for this to affect.

I attended a PME where one of the Soldiers did not disclose her pregnancy because she did not want to lose her seat or be set back when it came time for promotion consideration. She got a positive pregnancy test just before the course began and felt she was capable to meet the demands of the course. Fortunately, she passed the course and delivered a healthy child with no complications during her pregnancy. And I’m sure this is not the first or last time this has/will happen.

I’m not sure what the fix for this is aside from waiving the physical requirements for the various leaders’ courses (BLC, ALC, SLC, etc.). And I certainly don’t want to discourage anyone from maintaining their physical fitness. But it is worth acknowledging that this IS a challenge that only pregnant and postpartum Soldiers face. Anyone who has given birth to a child understands just how much your life and body changes after you have a child–and it’s not easy for a lot of Army Mamas.

Another common story that I hear play out all the time is how pregnant or postpartum Soldiers KNOW that they are exempt from wearing the ASU/AGSU for boards, but they either feel pressured or unsupported in this right by their superiors and/or the board members. This leads to a lack of confidence in themselves and an overt bias from the board members.

Yet another fee we must pay for the motherhood penalty.

 

Challenges of breastfeeding as a postpartum Soldier

 

Although the Army has implemented explicit guidelines for affording time to express breastmilk for your child, I STILL hear horror stories (and have experienced some myself) when it comes to Army Mamas exercising their right to breastfeed.

I once knew a Soldier that was lactating within her first few months postpartum, and leadership asked her to attend Annual Training. I informed her that she was technically exempt, but she went with us because she didn’t want to appear like a shammer. It only took her a few days to develop clogs in her milk ducts because the environment we were in was NOT suitable for lactating mothers. Fortunately, leadership allowed her to go back to home station before she developed mastitis.

I won’t even go into detail the number of times I’ve had to pump at a range. And when you barely produce enough milk to feed your child, it can be harrowing to have to dump that liquid gold. It’s even more difficult to build a reserve while you’re on maternity leave.

There are times where lactating Soldiers will catch heat because their pumping schedule does not fit the mission’s schedule or environment. An unwavering chain of command then forces their postpartum Soldier to do mental gymnastics to appease mission requirements. This behavior further perpetuates the stigma of pregnant and postpartum Soldiers as being an inconvenience to the mission.

Instead of being understanding that this only a moment in time that their Soldier will require certain accommodations, leadership subjects postpartum Soldiers to the motherhood penalty. This attitude has led some Army Mamas to cut their breastfeeding journey short despite the library of scientific research showing just how beneficial breastmilk is in the first year of life.

 

Fitness setbacks as a pregnant and postpartum Soldier

 

This was something I was not prepared for even though this is the first thing everyone warns you about when having children. There are so many changes that occur after having a baby that go beyond having the infamous “mom pooch” (iykyk).

Ligaments and muscles stretch making postpartum Soldiers more prone to injury when they jump back into their regular fitness routine vs easing back into things. To make matters more challenging, some of us experienced high risk pregnancies and/or traumatic births which sets the goal post further away.

Aside from muscle atrophy, pelvic floor rehabilitation may also become a necessity. I’ve shared my story before about how I waived my postpartum exemption period for the APFT because I wanted to board for an AGR position–long story short, I completely emptied my bladder on the 2-mile run. I passed my test and got the job, but that was the first indicator that something was really wrong with my pelvic floor!

The struggle with getting back into pre-pregnancy shape is a combination of all these factors coupled with the lack of time now that motherhood is a priority.

Unfortunately, any non-birth parent isn’t going to understand these obstacles and are usually hard pressed to empathize even if they’ve witnessed their partner in the midst of the struggles of postpartum fitness.

 

 

Falling into the default parent trap

 

Although this generally happens in our society, women tend to fall into the default parent trap in heterosexual relationships. This can be especially injurious for women in the service because we tend to be in dual military relationships.

For example, the husband in a dual-military relationship is given a last-minute task that conflicts with his wife’s schedule and now they have an unforeseen childcare issue. His chain of command expects her to plan accordingly because society views her as the default parent. The same situation plays out where she is given a last-minute task that conflicts with her husband’s schedule, but the expectation for a Family Care Plan still rests on her shoulders.

Fortunately, AD 2025/02 details stipulations when it comes to Commanders enforcing Family Care Plans. However, it does not erase the shame/guilt that parents [most notably mothers] feel when they exercise their right to receive notification of at least 3 weeks.

For this to truly have an impact, fathers in the military need to start using the benefits afforded to them as parents. This means using all of their parental leave and advocating for other parental rights so that things like this are normalized for both the birth parent and the non-birth parent. Unfortunately, this is a larger societal issue when it comes to shifting perceptions of default parenthood.

 

Is it hard to be a mom in the Army?

 

Short answer: yes. Sorry, but it’s true! You truly have to be educated, empowered, and supported by those around you in order to get through the obstacles listed above. I’m sure there are some things that I forgot to mention, but these are all things I’ve personally experienced and I STILL hear time and time again from other Army Mamas.

It is not impossible to serve and be a mother. And continued service can certainly be beneficial in the long run for your family. The reality is that there will always be more obstacles in the way for Army Mamas, but I do believe we are heading in the right direction.