What nobody tells you about being a single parent in the Army

It’s hard being an Army Mama and it’s even more challenging doing it all alone. Let’s talk about what it is like being a single parent in the Army.

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Every Army Mama knows that everything we do, we do for our children. The Army can be a very demanding field to enter and most of us don’t plan on single motherhood, but you sure as heck know that we figure out the grind quick for our baby’s wellbeing.

 

First things first, can you join the Army as a single parent?

Short answer: yes. 

Long answer, you need a waiver and solid family care plan.

Other common instances where you would need a family care plan include dual military couples (married and/or divorced) and any other time where your Commander feels the need to dictate one.

Your Commander might implement this rule based on a trend of unreliability when it comes to your family’s current needs that continue to impose on your ability to fulfill your military obligations.

That being said, even if you have a solid family care plan in place, here are the most common challenges a single Army Mama faces. But we’ll also talk about how to combat the mom guilt to help find some inner peace.

1. Early Mornings and Late Evenings

It can be heartbreaking to wake your child(ren) up before the sun rises just to drop them off at daycare for the next 12 hours of the day.

It often feels like they spend more of their waking hours in another person’s care than in the care of their own mother.

Don’t let the mom guilt overtake you on this one, Army Mama. Because I know that you’re only wanting to provide a more stable and better life for your child(ren).

So how do we make up for lost time?

First, change your mindset. This schedule is the norm for your child. So much like you have your work schedule, your child has their school/daycare schedule.

Why do we feel guilty sending our kids off to daycare, but we don’t feel the same guilt when it is time for them to go to school?

Going to daycare builds amazing social skills and most daycares often implement a curriculum that prepares children for school.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know some of us Army Mamas have had BAD experiences with childcare, and I acknowledge this.

Second, make your bedtime routines special in some sort of way that imprints on your child so that they actually look forward to it.

For example, I do bedtime stories then lullabies and while I’m singing I will stroke my daughter’s hair. I didn’t really think much of this until my daughter actually started requesting that I stroke her hair during bedtime.

Another thing you can do is go for a quick walk after dinner as a family. A simple 10 minute walk creates a routine that even your kids will look forward to.

Lastly, think about how you spend your weekends together. Do you do anything routinely special or is it just a time to relax and lounge around the house?

If it’s the latter choice; think about if you choose to relax because you’re drained from the week or if this is something that you and your children enjoy doing. I only say this because sometimes we think all we want to do is lay on the couch and watch TV, but oftentimes we think this is the only way to feel relaxed.

That’s just not true.

For our household, we make breakfast (since we don’t have time for a legit breakfast during the weekdays) and go to the park sometime during the weekend. You can find simple weekend breakfast inspo on our Instagram page every other weekend.

Once breakfast and the park are out of the way, we can find other ways to relax for the weekend.

Having a routine gives everyone something to look forward to and a fond memory to look back on when they get older.

2. Childcare

Finding good childcare can be a challenge, single or not.

The waitlists at daycare centers can be astronomical. And that’s even with putting your name on the waitlist right when you find out that you’re pregnant! Which for some of us is as early as six weeks.

You must generate a good childcare plan that has multiple backups, because there are so many CoCs that threaten chaptered discharges based on “faulty” family care plans.

The current SMA, SMA Grinston, has recently been made aware of this issue facing our Army Mamas. His initial reaction is that family care plan chapter threats should not be used when the CDC calls to say your child is sick, the center has to close due to COVID, or anything running in that same vein.

These are unprecedented times during the pandemic and it has vastly effected mothers in the workforce. Because unfortunately, we are often the default caregivers.

Most times, if anyone has to make a sacrifice, it’ll be us Mamas putting our children first.

Some ways you can get your family care plan airtight are:

• Research all your daycare options (on post and off post)
• Consider having a family member move in to care for your children (I convinced my sister to move in with us and it has been a lifesaver!)
• Consider if it would be cost effective to have a nanny. Sometimes that is cheaper than daycare itself!
• Check with your FRG to see if they have a babysitting group amongst military spouses in the area.
• Check local Facebook groups in the area you will be stationed at. Most times bases have one for babysitting.
• The Army Mom Life Facebook group has a great community of other Army Mamas that can provide direct advice and/or assistance in the midst of a crisis.
• Visit caregiver sites like Care.com. The price for a babysitter on there begins at $10, but it’s only because that is the site’s default minimum. I have personally negotiated lower prices with babysitters on there and it hasn’t been a problem.

Let’s talk about finding trustworthy childcare if you don’t have the luxury of having family stay with you during your military career.

When interviewing a babysitter or nanny, you should require background checks and references.

Now, I understand that sometimes things are very last minute in the Army and this might not always be possible.

However, you can always interview as many babysitters or nannies and keep a copy of these documents so that when you have to call them during a last minute gig, you know that you’re choosing from a credible source.

Don’t take the documents they give you for face value.

Actually call the references and look them up on social media to see if they’re real people. It might seem extra, but this is your child.

For daycare centers, you’ll actually want to tour the facility.

Are the children generally happy? That is usually a good indicator that they’re being cared for well.

Ask them how they screen their employees, what protocols are in place if abuse is suspected or if a child gets hurt in their care.

Don’t be afraid to ask these uncomfortable questions, because you are the voice for your child ultimately.

3. Being alone at every duty station

It is hard not having a stable support network.

It also sucks when you finally create a tight knit community at your current duty station and then you receive orders and you have to start all. over. again.

This one is difficult to combat, because it does require getting out of your comfort zone and dedicating a little extra time to making friends outside of work.

When I first moved to my current duty station, I joined a local parenting group. There are so many Facebook groups for parents looking to connect with other parents.

You’ll be able to see what local events are going on and can even set up a play date with other moms.

Although your base might have their own events set up for families, it is a good idea to make connections with the locals.

Having civilian, local friends can be a lifesaver since their schedules are more predictable than ours.

And when you form strong relationships with others, it is more likely that they are willing to swoop in with a helping hand.

Plus, they can provide a sense of normalcy outside of the military for both you and your child(ren).

Find a group, set up a play date or a mom’s night in (with the kiddos), and get started on kindling those bonds.

You will feel much better knowing you have a local support channel to fall back on.

4. Work-life balance

Too often I hear Army Mamas struggling to find work-life balance.

They want to be a good leader for their troops without having to sacrifice being a good mom to their family.

First things first– set healthy boundaries at work.

You might get some flack from toxic leadership that expects every Soldier to prioritize the Army, but their mindset is wrong in the first place.

So please don’t let their thinking taint yours into believing being at the Army’s beckon call is the norm. Most times, our garrison duties are not life and death, especially at the junior enlisted level.

If you set healthy boundaries with your coworkers, then they in turn begin to internalize this mindset for when they come into leadership roles.

For example, my previous supervisor always kicked me out the door at COB. So naturally I got into the habit of leaving work at the appropriate time.

Fast forward to my current supervisor. This person has a bad habit of staying late and at first it didn’t matter to me.

Until I began unknowingly adopting these habits.

She never asked me to stay later or penalize me for leaving at normal COB hours.

But believe it or not, we really do start carrying out behaviors that our supervisors model!

Now I need to remind myself to leave at COB and not feel guilty about it.

You can’t be a good leader unless you begin prioritizing your mental, spiritual, and physical wellbeing. And this includes putting your family first.

5. Unsupportive leadership

This can be a hard one to dodge, because it’s not like you can just switch out your CoC at the snap of your fingers.

For this, you need to let your work ethic speak for itself.

Although I don’t have personal experience with unsupportive leadership, I do have experience with leadership expecting perfectionism. Both are built on the same principles.

Yes, you are in the Army. But reality is, you are a human being with more responsibilities outside of the Army.

You can get in legal trouble for neglecting your family, but you won’t wind up in jail for being late to first formation.

When dealing with unsupportive leadership, it is best to document everything.

No matter how minute each situation might seem, because IG and EO have more traction when trends are evident.

Another piece of advice is to get smart on regulations.

Oftentimes, leadership will try to get you to do things that you might be protected from by regulation (e.g. making you go to NTC/JRTC even though you’re 2 months postpartum).

If you’re smart on the regulations, then try to have the courage to advocate for yourself.

And if you don’t have the courage to advocate for yourself, then get some help from the appropriate source. Do you have a trusted peer, mentor, etc that wouldn’t mind stepping in to help or even be present to show support?

Give your leadership the opportunity to correct themselves before you take it to the next level. This way, they can’t be upset at anybody but themselves when the hammer comes down from higher.

Another thing that is important to remember is that these people aren’t gods. 

Sometimes we accept maltreatment because we feel like there are no other options or we assume that this is just the way the military is.

The reason people first doesn’t work yet is because there are a lot of individuals that hold onto the old mentality of how things operated in the Army.

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Now, I don’t want to paint our experience in the Army with rose colored glasses.

Us Army Mamas know that there won’t always be an easy fix to each of our problems.

Whether you’re dual military, a single parent, or anything else in between; these common challenges can actually face any of us Army Mamas.